In news that will surprise absolutely no one with a functioning cerebral cortex, Ethiopia’s Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed has secured a landslide victory in an election that the UK Foreign Office has politely described as ‘robust.’ Robust. That’s diplomatic code for ‘we’ve seen cleaner fights in a Spoons car park.’
Abiy, the man who won a Nobel Peace Prize for shaking hands with his neighbour before invading him, has now been given the democratic green light to continue his hobby of turning regional stability into a Punch and Judy show. The UK, ever the shrill aunt at the family barbecue, has warned that this victory could ‘exacerbate tensions’ in a region already more frayed than a tramp’s trousers.
Let’s pause to consider the sheer pantomime of it all. An election in a country where the last one was postponed more times than my pub tab. A landslide victory that somehow smells more of forced consent than genuine enthusiasm. And Britain, the nation that brought us Brexit and Partygate, tutting from the sidelines like a vicar at a stag do.
‘The UK is deeply concerned,’ they bleated, which in Foreign Office parlance means ‘we’re about to issue a strongly worded letter and then do absolutely nothing.’ They’re concerned about the Amhara region, the Tigray region, and any other region that dares to disagree with the man in the big chair. It’s like watching a game of Risk where one player has all the armies and the dice are loaded.
Abiy’s victory speech was a masterclass in political double-speak. He spoke of unity, of moving forward, of healing. Which is the equivalent of an arsonist giving a TED Talk on fire safety. The man has presided over a civil war that has left hundreds of thousands dead, displaced millions, and turned the Tigray region into a humanitarian catastrophe of biblical proportions. And now he’s got a shiny new mandate to carry on.
But let’s not be too hard on the international community. They have a system, you see. First, there’s the condemnation phase. Then, the sanctions phase. Then, the ‘oh well, we need his help with counter-terrorism’ phase. It’s a beautifully predictable ballet of impotence.
The real tragedy here is not the election itself, but the sheer predictability of it. We all know how this story ends. With more bodies, more refugees, and more earnest UN resolutions that will be filed alongside all the other earnest UN resolutions in the great circular bin of history.
So raise a glass of substandard airport gin to Prime Minister Abiy. To his landslide. To the UK’s concerns. To the whole bloody circus. Because if we can’t laugh at the apocalypse, we might as well start digging our own graves.