In a development that has sent shockwaves through Waitrose deli counters and triggered a national recall of dubious dips, a man has been accused of the most heinous of domestic crimes: polishing off his mother-in-law with a poison-laced satay skewer. The suspect, a Mr. Kevin Entwistle of Swindon, is alleged to have laced his relative’s peanut sauce with enough toxins to fell a water buffalo, then served it with a side of coleslaw and a smirk.
British food safety authorities, in a state of unprecedented alert, have issued a warning that all satay sauces consumed between the hours of 6pm and 8pm on bank holidays may contain traces of filicide. The FSA has urged citizens to sniff their satay suspiciously before dipping, and to avoid eye contact with any sauce that appears malevolent. Mr.
Entwistle, a man described by neighbours as “quiet, but with an unsettling glint in his eye whenever he saw a George Foreman grill,” allegedly prepared the satay with meticulous fury, using a family recipe passed down through generations of simmering resentment. The victim, Mrs. Brenda Entwistle, was a keen gardener and local church bell ringer who had made the fatal error of suggesting Kevin’s lamb chops were slightly overcooked at a family barbecue last August.
According to police sources, the poison was extracted from a rare Amazonian beetle, ground into a paste, and mixed with ginger, garlic, and a hint of soy sauce. “It was a satay to die for,” quipped Detective Inspector Hardcastle, straight-faced, before adding, “literally.” The incident has reignited a national debate about the perils of mother-in-law relationships, but also about the lax safety standards of tiny plastic tubs of satay sauce sold at petrol stations.
The FSA’s top priority is to ensure that no other family gatherings are soured by lethal dips, and they have advised Britons to purchase only satay that has been certified as ‘mother-in-law-free’. Meanwhile, Mr. Entwistle remains in custody, reportedly demanding a peanut allergy test and a brief meeting with a brief.
His next court date is scheduled for a date yet to be set, but sources suggest the prosecution’s case is already looking nuts.
