In a move that has sent shivers down the spines of constitutional scholars and ducks alike, Donald J. Trump has personally ordered the immediate rehabilitation of the National Mall’s algae-choked Reflecting Pool. The decree, issued between rounds of executive golf, demands that the slimy green menace be ‘eradicated totally, believe me’ within 72 hours.
Witnesses report a flotilla of MAGA-hatted maintenance workers armed with industrial-grade pool nets and what appeared to be a giant, custom-embroidered golf umbrella mounted on a drone. ‘We’re gonna make that water so clear you can see the bottom, maybe even some forgotten statutes,’ a White House spokesman bellowed, his tie flapping in the fetid breeze.
Security has been cranked to DEFCON 2, with snipers positioned atop the Washington Monument to prevent any rogue algae cells from staging a coup. The Secret Service has issued a stern warning: ‘Any seagull caught defecating within a 500-yard radius will be summarily deported to Guantánamo.’
Meanwhile, the nation’s capital holds its breath. Will the reflecting pool reflect again? Or will Trump’s desperate bid to cleanse the swamp end in a brackish disaster? Only time, and a very large skimmer, will tell.
