LONDON – In a turn of events so predictable it would bore a narcoleptic sloth, a kidnapped Nigerian retired general has shuffled off this mortal coil while in the clutches of insurgents. The deceased, whose name I shall not utter because I respect the dead more than the living, was abducted last Tuesday from his golf course, presumably because his putter was too shiny. The UK, ever the global scold, has condemned this 'senseless brutality' with all the vigour of a half-deflated party balloon.
Foreign Office Minister Sir Reginald Prattle-On declared, 'We are deeply saddened and utterly appalled,' before toddling off for a gin and tonic at his club. This is a nation that once lectured the world on tea brewing etiquette while its empire crumbled. Now it tuts at armed groups who play by different rules.
The general’s family, meanwhile, are left to pick up the pieces, assuming they can find his pieces after the insurgents were done. The irony is thick enough to spread on crumpets: a man who spent his life defending a corrupt regime ends up being mulch for the same chaos he helped cultivate. But let us not dwell on grim realities.
Let us instead applaud the UK’s moral high horse, which has now galloped to the rescue with a strongly worded statement. Surely the insurgents will now release all hostages and take up flower arranging. As for the rest of us, we shall raise a glass of lukewarm tap water to the fallen general, and another to the eternal farce of international diplomacy.
