In a breathtaking display of human endurance and the unyielding power of ineptitude, a British mountaineering guide has been rescued from the icy clutches of Mount Everest after six days of stranding. The unnamed guide, who we shall call ‘Ginless Gavin’ to protect his identity and shame, was plucked from the death zone by a team of Sherpas whose bravery is only matched by the sheer lunacy of climbing a frozen corpse-pile for a living. British mountaineers, ever eager to claim a slice of glory, have rushed to praise the Sherpa heroes.
‘They’re simply marvellous chaps,’ gushed Sir Reginald Fotheringay-Bottomley, a man whose own Everest summit was achieved via helicopter and a generous donation. ‘Without them, we’d have to actually carry our own gear. Unthinkable!
’ The rescue operation, costing an estimated £100,000 and 500 gallons of hot tea, involved a 50-strong team of Sherpas who navigated the Khumbu Icefall, a place where the ice regularly decides to rearrange itself into new and terrifying shapes. Our hero, Gavin, was found in a state of ‘mild discomfort’ according to sources, having run out of Kendal Mint Cake on day two and been forced to contemplate his life choices. ‘I was down to my last emergency bag of crisps,’ he reportedly whispered through frostbitten lips.
‘A prawn cocktail flavour. It was a dark moment.’ The Sherpas, who are paid a fraction of what the guide charges for a single client, were described as ‘the real heroes’ by every single British newscaster who has never been above 3,000 feet.
Meanwhile, the guide’s client, a wealthy hedge fund manager from Surrey, was safely evacuated at the first sign of a cloud. Sources say he is currently in a luxury lodge in Kathmandu, complaining about the Wi-Fi. The rescue of Gavin, who now faces a hospital bill larger than the GDP of a small nation, has revived the eternal debate: should we rescue people who voluntarily walk into a frozen death trap?
The answer, from the mountaineering community, is a resounding ‘yes, but only if they have good insurance and don’t litter.’ In related news, a Sherpa was seen carrying a 60kg pack of oxygen bottles while smiling. He did not request a medal.
He did request a pay rise. He was politely declined. The mountain, ever the passive-aggressive host, responded by shrugging off a serac and killing three people in a separate incident.
But let us focus on Gavin, the man who survived six days on a mountain where the air is thinner than a politician’s promise. He is now safe, recovering, and probably reviewing his insurance policy. And the Sherpas?
They’re already back up the mountain, probably carrying a sofa for a man who can’t be bothered to walk. Jolly good show, everyone. Jolly good show.
