Crikey. The Commonwealth, that glorified book club for former colonies, is discovering that the sun never sets on diplomatic spats. In a move that has sent tremors through the teacups of Whitehall, China has slapped a travel ban on two New Zealand MPs who had the audacity to visit Taiwan. The perpetrators? A Tory MP and a Labour shadow minister. Because nothing says bipartisan like a shared disregard for the One-China principle.
Let us break this down. Taiwan, as Beijing incessantly reminds us with the subtlety of a gong, is an inalienable part of China. To visit Taiwan, therefore, is to thumb one’s nose at the Middle Kingdom. And China, like a celestial dragon with a long memory, does not forget. These two intrepid travellers have now been struck from the list of people welcome in China, which is roughly as inconvenient as being banned from the moon, given that New Zealand’s MPs are about as likely to visit China as to spontaneously develop a taste for hundred-year-old eggs.
But wait. The Commonwealth is involved. The Commonwealth, that gathering of nations whose primary function seems to be providing a platform for Prince Charles to talk about climate change. Their unity is tested? I spat out my gin. The Commonwealth’s unity is a myth, a collective nostalgia for an empire that existed only in the minds of retired colonels and terrible BBC period dramas. Tested by a couple of Kiwi MPs? The Commonwealth couldn’t unite on a decision about what to have for lunch.
China, meanwhile, plays the long game. They know that every time a Western politician visits Taiwan, they are effectively acting as a prop in a geopolitical pantomime. The MPs claim they were there to uhm strengthen trade ties. Trade ties! As if Taiwan doesn’t already export enough semiconductors to keep the world’s phones buzzing. The real trade is in outrage, and China is the biggest consumer.
Oh, but the handwringing. Oh, the solemn statements. New Zealand’s Foreign Minister, with a face like a man who has just discovered his favourite rugby team has been disqualified, expresses profound disappointment. The British Foreign Office, never one to miss an opportunity for a mealy-mouthed condemnation, tuts from a safe distance. Meanwhile, the two banned MPs will likely parlay their new status into a book deal or a speaking tour. In the world of politicians, any attention is good attention.
Let us not forget the sheer farce of the whole affair. These are MPs from New Zealand. New Zealand! The country that is literally off the edge of every map unless you look closely. The country that once tried to ban a cartoon because it was offensive to bears or something. And they think they can take on China? It is like sending a sheep to a wolf convention.
The narrative of Commonwealth unity is a comforting fiction for those who miss the days when maps were painted pink. But the reality is that the Commonwealth is a loose association of nations with divergent interests, and when push comes to shove, they will all choose their own trade deals over some abstract sense of club loyalty. Australia has already cosied up to China after its own little spat. Canada is too busy apologising for its own history. And the UK? The UK is desperately seeking a trade deal with anyone who will listen, including China, which is why their condemnation was so notably weaselly.
So here we are. Two MPs with shiny new stamps on their passports, a China that feels vindicated, and a Commonwealth that has simulacrum of unity shattered like a dropped teapot. The moral of the story is simple: if you want to visit Taiwan, be prepared to be a geopolitical pawn. And if you want to test the Commonwealth’s unity, you are going to be sorely disappointed. The only thing the Commonwealth can agree on is that the Queen’s speech is too long. And even that is debatable.
