In a move that has sent ripples through the diplomatic community and left ducks homeless, President Donald Trump today personally inspected the Reflecting Pool on the National Mall, declaring it a 'total disaster' and ordering its immediate repair. The inspection followed a deeply troubling report from British monument experts who expressed 'concern' over the pool's unprecedented levels of dignity and respect. 'It's a disgrace,' Trump bellowed, gesturing wildly at the placid water.
'Other countries, they have beautiful pools. Crystal clear. Not this giant puddle.
It's a shame. A total shame.' The President, visibly agitated by the pool's failure to reflect his own image, vowed to 'drain the swamp' literally this time.
'We're going to have the best reflecting pool you've ever seen. It'll reflect me perfectly from every angle. You'll be able to see the greatness of my hair.
The greatness of my tie. It'll be tremendous.' The White House has confirmed a $12 million emergency fund to install gold-plated tiles, a selfie station, and a permanent 'Make America Great Again' decal at the bottom.
In a bizarre twist, the President also demanded the pool be heated to a constant 72 degrees, presumably to discourage any lingering thoughts of winter. British officials were reportedly 'nonplussed but not surprised,' with one anonymous diplomat noting, 'The pool was fine. It reflected a nation's collective melancholy perfectly.
Now it's just going to reflect one man's ego.' Environmental groups have already filed a lawsuit, arguing that the gold plating will kill the algae. The ducks remain silent, watching their habitat turn into a theme park.
As Trump tweeted later, 'The Fake News media is in a tizzy over my pool repair. I fixed it. The ducks love me.
They'll be the best ducks. Tremendous.