In a shocking display of civic responsibility, Tokyo has begun fining litterbugs, causing mass confusion among British politicians who have just discovered that the environment is something you can actually enforce. The Land of the Rising Sun, famous for vending machines that sell everything from hot socks to live octopus, has decided that dropping a crisp packet on the pavement is a crime against humanity. Meanwhile, the UK proudly claims the mantle of global environmental enforcement, which presumably means we have the most aggressive letter-writing campaigns to the EU about their plastic straws.
I imagine the Japanese law was passed after a particularly heated meeting where a salaryman, driven mad by the lack of recycling bins, launched a half-eaten onigiri at a passing cat. The council, instead of doing the sensible thing and ignoring it (as is tradition in Britain), decided to legislate. Now, dropping a cigarette butt will cost you ¥20,000, which is enough to make a Japanese businessman weep into his sake. In the UK, our enforcement consists of a sternly worded email from a council worker who is currently on a three-hour lunch break.
But wait, there's more. The UK leads in environmental enforcement, a statistic that must have been measured by the same people who thought Brexit was a good idea. We have the most environmental laws, which are, of course, entirely unenforced due to budget cuts. Our rivers are full of sewage, our air is thick with diesel fumes, but by God we have a lovely poster campaign about saving the bees. Tokyo's approach is to fine people, which is straightforward. Our approach is to form a committee, debate the proposal, release a white paper, ignore the white paper, and then privatise the fines.
I can see the headlines now: "UK Environment Minister Praises Tokyo's Initiative, Immediately Introduces 'Litter Tax' to be Paid by Poor People." The British solution to everything is to tax it, then deregulate it, then celebrate the free market's invisible hand as it strangles the planet. Meanwhile, in Tokyo, the invisible hand is holding a litter picker and a receipt for your fine.
This is not to say the UK is entirely useless. We have the Metropolitan Police, who are always eager to fine a cyclist for going through a red light while ignoring the gang of muggers behind them. We have the Environment Agency, which recently gave a multi-million pound contract to a company that specialises in making pollution. Yes, we are leaders. Leaders in the art of doing nothing while looking busy.
So here's to Tokyo, a city that actually punishes littering. And here's to the UK, a nation that will no doubt introduce a 'Green Credit' scheme where you can pay a small fee to throw your rubbish in the sea. The future is bright, the future is littered with hypocrisy. I'd write more but I've just seen a discarded Greggs wrapper and I need to go report it to the nearest police station. They'll be thrilled, I'm sure.
