In a development that has thrilled nobody except perhaps the UK's beleaguered Trade Secretary, the North American Free Trade deadline looms like a particularly stubborn stain on a very expensive suit. Our man in Whitehall, a chap called Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite, has been watching the negotiations with the kind of detached fascination usually reserved for a train crash in slow motion.
Let us set the scene. The Trade Secretary, a man whose very name suggests a minor character from a P.G. Wodehouse novel, is reportedly preparing his 'post-Brexit leverage'. This is a bit like a man about to be eaten by a bear preparing a witty remark. The leverage in question appears to consist of a folder of spreadsheets, a half-eaten packet of digestives, and a desperate hope that Canada and Mexico will suddenly become extremely sentimental about the special relationship.
The deadline, you see, is for the renegotiation of NAFTA. But our glorious leader has decided that this is the perfect moment to remind the world that Britain is now a 'global trading nation', unshackled from the tyranny of European bureaucracy. The message to North America, delivered via a series of increasingly frantic press releases, is: 'Remember how good things used to be? Let's do that again, but better, and with more tea.'
Critics have pointed out that the UK's post-Brexit trade deals have been, to put it politely, a bit lacking. The deal with Australia was largely symbolic, the one with New Zealand was basically a series of postcards, and the one with Japan was so complex that even the negotiators seemed confused. But this time, by God, we shall prevail. The Trade Secretary has been seen practicing his negotiating face in the mirror, a expression that falls somewhere between constipation and the early stages of a hangover.
The actual leverage, as far as anyone can tell, consists of the UK's enormous market for... well, for what exactly? So far, the main exports have been financial services, gin, and a vague sense of disappointment. But never mind. The plan is to dazzle the North Americans with our charm, our history, and our uncanny ability to produce weather forecasts that are always wrong.
Meanwhile, the Americans are reportedly 'nonplussed', a term that in this context means they have no idea what we are on about and are too polite to say so. Canada is being characteristically polite, which is even more insulting. And Mexico, bless them, appears to have confused the UK Trade Secretary with a particularly persistent timeshare salesman.
So here we are, facing the deadline. The Trade Secretary will fly to Washington, clutching his briefcase of dreams and a duty-free bag of miniatures. He will sit opposite the US Trade Representative and say something like: 'Now, old chap, about that free trade agreement. Fancy a spot of tea?' And the US Trade Representative, a man who has never had a spot of tea in his life, will nod politely and think about the much more interesting negotiation happening with China.
In conclusion, the North American Free Trade deadline is a farce of epic proportions. The only winners will be the gin manufacturers and the lexicographers, who will invent new words for 'diplomatic failure'. But don't worry. The UK Trade Secretary has a plan. It's just that no one has told him what it is yet.
