In a move that has sent diplomatic tumblers clinking from Delhi to Downing Street, Donald J. Trump, the man who once confused tariffs with tic-tac-toe, is set to visit India as part of a UK-brokered trade thaw. Yes, that’s right: the same India that painted ‘Welcome Trump’ on a wall so large it could be seen from space, the same India that has a statue of him next to Gandhi (no, really), and the same India that is currently hosting the world’s largest democracy and the world’s largest collection of mobile phone vendors.
But let us not get ahead of ourselves, dear reader. Let us first unscrew the cap of this particular bottle of geopolitical stout. The UK, that soggy island of scones and royal scandals, has apparently decided to play matchmaker between the orange-hued demagogue and the subcontinent’s chai-sipping strongman, Narendra Modi. Why? Because, as we all know, there is nothing like a bit of trade talks to make the world forget about climate change, nuclear sabre-rattling, and the fact that the British Prime Minister is currently fighting off accusations of partying during a plague.
The proposed visit, which Trump has confirmed via his signature medium of choice (a series of capital-letter tweets), is being heralded as a ‘thaw’ in Indo-American relations. A thaw. As if the relationship was a frozen lasagne from 1985 that has just been shoved in the microwave on defrost. But let us not quibble. The fact is, trade between the two nations has been as frosty as a penguin’s backside, with tariffs on steel, aluminium, and critical remarks about the president’s handshake technique. Now, however, with the UK as a neutral arbiter (which is like asking a firefighter to pour petrol on a barbecue), India and the US are apparently ready to kiss and make up.
But what, you ask, will Trump actually do in India? The itinerary, as leaked to the press (or possibly the waiter at Claridge’s), includes a visit to the Taj Mahal, where Trump will no doubt demand it be repainted in gold, a meeting with Bollywood stars (read: any actor who can tolerate a 45-minute handshake), and a rally at a cricket stadium that has been paradoxically renamed the ‘Trump Victory Arena.’ He will also, sources say, sample the local cuisine, which means he will eat a curry, declare it ‘tremendous,’ and then claim he invented it.
The trade deal itself, which is still being negotiated, is said to involve everything from iPhones to yoga mats, with the UK acting as a go-between because, well, they have nothing better to do now that Brexit has turned them into a glorified tax haven for Russian oligarchs. But let us not be cynical. This is a thaw. A thaw that will warm the hearts of globalists and leave the alt-right furious that Trump is shaking hands with a man who has a green card for every colour of human.
As I sit here in my local airport lounge, nursing a glass of mediocre gin, I cannot help but feel that this news is both utterly predictable and gloriously absurd. It is a story that could only exist in an era where reality has become a parody of itself. Here is a man who once encouraged an insurrection at the US Capitol, who is currently facing multiple legal challenges, and who, according to his own spokesperson, has a habit of confusing Namibia with Zambia, now acting as a global trade envoy. And the UK, which is about as independent as a toddler on a leash, is somehow the mediator.
But such is the state of our world. A world where the line between satire and journalism has become so thin that I, a gonzo journalist with a gin problem, am actually employed to cover it. So let us raise our glasses to Trump’s visit to India. May it be as productive as a whisky tasting at an AA meeting, and may the trade thaw bring us all closer to the final, beautiful, catastrophic collapse of sensible government. Cheers.
