Bogotá, Colombia. The land of emeralds, cocaine and now a new brand of political absurdity – finally catching up with the rest of the world. Reports confirm that a Trump-backed outsider, one Gustavo “El Loco” Petro (no relation to sanity), has somehow won the presidency.
The news was broken to His Majesty’s Government via a garbled WhatsApp voice note from a man claiming to be the new foreign minister. His profile picture: a cartoon of a grinning toucan holding a flaming machete. The message was simply: “We take over now, okay bye.
” It was followed by crying-laughing emojis. This is the state of Britain’s allies in Latin America. A new political era, indeed.
An era where the line between political campaign and a particularly unhinged episode of Love Island has been completely obliterated. Let’s be clear: this isn’t just any outsider. This is a man who promised to “flush the political establishment down the toilet of history” live on telly, while holding a live toaster.
His running mate is a former beauty queen who believes the earth is flat but concedes it might be “a bit wobbly” due to climate change. Their platform? Renationalise the emerald mines, build a giant wall around the Amazon and dub all foreign diplomats “compadres” by decree.
Foreign Office mandarins are reportedly in a state of advanced panic, desperately Googling “how to be polite to a narcokleptocracy” and stockpiling instant coffee for the inevitable twinning with a Colombian village that has the same name as a Norfolk council estate. Trade deals are being hastily redrafted with a felt-tip pen, adding a clause that all negotiations must now open with a ten-minute dance-off. Meanwhile, the British ambassador, Sir Reginald Fotheringay-Smythe, was seen sobbing quietly in a corner of the embassy, clutching a framed photo of Margaret Thatcher and muttering about the “good old days when dictators at least wore uniforms and had the decency to be predictable.
” He has since been recalled to London for “re-education” – a mandatory viewing of all eleven series of The Thick of It. The new president’s first act was to release a statement (on TikTok, naturally) declaring that he would “make Colombia great again… but with more salsa and fewer human rights.” He then dissolved the supreme court, replacing it with his book club.
The judiciary, for its part, has gone on strike, citing “philosophical differences” over whether laws should actually be enforced. Meanwhile, Britain’s strategic interests? Oh, those are just fine.
Our main export to Colombia has shifted from industrial machinery to “diplomatic bunting” and “emergency bottles of whisky.” And the chancellory is reportedly exploring a new initiative: swapping our entire foreign aid budget for a crate of their finest cocaine. Strictly for medicinal use, of course.
So, raise a glass (preferably a large one) to our new compadres. Another triumph for the global march towards the asylum. Pray for the civil service.
They’re going to need it.