In a spectacle that would make P.T. Barnum weep with envy, the White House has announced that the 45th President of the United States will undergo a ‘comprehensive’ health check. The announcement, delivered with the solemnity of a papal bull, was immediately met with snorts of disbelief from the British medical establishment. Dr. Alistair Finch, a physician from Barts who has never met a gin he didn't like, described the examination as ‘a PR exercise masquerading as preventive care.’ The entire affair, he added, had all the transparency of a London fog.
Aye, there’s the rub. The same administration that has battled the media over tax returns and mental fitness now offers a peek behind the curtain, only to drape it in velvet and horse blinders. The White House physician, a man whose bedside manner appears to have been forged in the crucible of political convenience, has promised a ‘full report.’ But in a world where ‘alternative facts’ are the coin of the realm, forgive my scepticism if I expect the findings to read more like a brochure for a luxury spa than a medical journal.
The timing, too, is exquisite. With the president’slatest off-the-cuff remarks causing diplomatic heartburn from London to Pyongyang, what better opportunity to bathe in the glow of a clean bill of health? It’s a classic misdirection, a two-step that would make Fred Astaire proud. The only thing missing is a tap routine on the Oval Office desk.
Yet, the questions remain. What metrics will pass muster? Will they measure not just cholesterol but also the elasticity of truth? Will they check for the presence of a soul? One wonders if the examination will include a cognitive test that involves more than just listing the Four Seasons Landscaping in alphabetical order.
In the end, it’s all terribly British to tut-tut from across the pond. We have our own pantomimes, our own men in high places who waft through scandals like ghosts through a cathedral. But this one feels different, more brazen. It’s as if the world’s most powerful man has decided that his physical form is just another policy, subject to spin and revision.
So, here’s to the check-up. May it be thorough, may it be honest, and may it not require a security clearance to read. And if the results turn out to be as fictional as a fairy tale, we’ll be here, gin in hand, ready to laugh through the tears.
