In a move that has sent shockwaves through the international identity document community and caused at least three border guards to spontaneously combust, the United States has announced that, to commemorate the nation’s 250th birthday, every US passport will henceforth bear the visage of one Donald J. Trump. Yes, the orange-hued, tweet-fingered former president will now stare out from the pages of American travel documents, replacing the noble bald eagle. The eagle, for its part, has been sighted sobbing into a gin and tonic at a Washington D.C. dive bar, muttering something about ‘standards’.
The decision, passed by executive order (naturally) and justified as a ‘celebration of American resilience’, has been met with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for a root canal performed by a hungover dentist. But here’s the kicker: the UK Passport Office, in a state of high dudgeon and barely concealed panic, has announced an urgent security review. Their concern? That the sheer, unnerving power of Trump’s face might cause passport readers to malfunction. ‘Our current technology relies on facial recognition,’ a spokesman stammered, clutching a cup of cold tea. ‘We are not equipped to handle... that.’
Let’s be clear: this is not satire. This is a world where a man whose hair looks like a distressed badger residing on a pile of Cheetos is now the face of a nation. The implications are staggering. Will foreign customs officers be forced to genuflect? Will the passport’s chip emit a tiny, petulant tweet every time it’s scanned? And what of the security features? Insiders whisper that the new passports will include a hologram that changes from ‘I’m the best’ to ‘You’re fired’ depending on the angle. The watermark? A tiny, orange silhouette of his distinctive hand gesture, the one he uses to indicate ‘tiny’.
Meanwhile, the UK’s review is expected to take months and cost taxpayers a small fortune in stress counselling for passport officers. ‘We’ve trained our staff to spot forgeries,’ one officer told me over the phone, his voice cracking. ‘How are we supposed to spot a fake Trump? They all look fake.’ Indeed, the Home Office has reportedly formed a dedicated task force to analyse what they’re calling ‘The Thicket Problem’: if every passport has Trump’s face, how do you distinguish between a genuine document and a piece of orange cardboard?
As a gin-soaked, bile-filled observer of this glorious dumpster fire, I can only applaud. Finally, a passport that reflects the true nature of American exceptionalism: loud, confusing, and prone to starting international incidents. I, for one, welcome our new passport overlord. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to kiss it every time I cross a border.
In related news, the International Civil Aviation Organization has announced an emergency meeting to discuss ‘unprecedented facial recognition anomalies’. And in a tragic twist, the last remaining eagle in captivity has been found dead, clutching a scratch card and a printout of the Bill of Rights. Cause of death: broken spirit.
