In a development that has sent tremors through the worlds of mixed martial arts and Franco-American relations, the former president has hinted at plans for an Eiffel Tower-style permanent UFC structure. The proposed edifice, tentatively dubbed 'Trump's Tower of Pain,' would rise from the Las Vegas strip like a glittering, blood-spattered middle finger to conventional architecture and, presumably, French engineering sensibilities.
British sports officials, never ones to miss an opportunity for a good tut, have responded with characteristic vigour. 'We have serious concerns about the structural integrity of a building that is essentially a cage on stilts,' said one health and safety mandarin, speaking through a mouthful of regulation custard cream. 'What about fire exits? What about the potential for octagon-related injuries? And who will be responsible when Mr Trump inevitably tries to climb it to prove a point about immigration?'
But such bureaucratic niggling is unlikely to deter the man who once said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue without losing a vote. The Eiffel Tower-UFC hybrid, sources say, would feature a massive glass elevator (made in China, presumably) and a gift shop selling branded knuckle-dusters and tiny versions of the building made from confiscated belt buckles.
The aesthetic, described by one White House insider as 'if Baron Haussmann had a really bad cocaine habit,' would combine the delicate ironwork of Gustave Eiffel with the subtle artistry of a parking lot brawl. Think wrought-iron cage fighting. Think cobblestones stained with the blood of patriots. Think 'The Octagon' meets 'Les Misérables' but with more jeering and fewer meaningful songs.
Naturally, the news has provoked fury among the French, who have threatened to retaliate by building a permanent structure shaped like a giant croissant that dispenses existential despair. President Macron, in a hastily called press conference, declared that 'any attempt to plant this monument to vulgarity on European soil will be met with the full force of French bureaucracy, which, as everyone knows, is the most fearsome weapon of all.'
Meanwhile, British sports officials have issued a 47-page document titled 'Potential Hazards Associated with Large, Violent, Symbolically Charged Constructions,' which they hope to present to the UN. The document, written entirely in Comic Sans for maximum seriousness, includes sections on 'The Risk of Spontaneous Demonstrations,' 'The Dangers of Glass Splinters in the Event of a Mild Disagreement,' and 'A Brief History of Things Built by Americans That Fell Over.'
But Mr Trump has dismissed the concerns as 'fake news from a country that can't even get Brexit done.' Speaking from his private jet, he added: 'This building will be tremendous. It will have the best punches. Nobody punches better than me. We will have a cage-fight themed restaurant and we will serve the best steak, the best chairs, and the best floor that is sticky with the blood of winners. I am the best at sticky floors.'
Whether the permanent UFC structure ever comes to pass remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: the only thing more permanent than the Eiffel Tower is the American desire to import things, make them louder, and then sell tickets to watch people hit each other inside them. Vive la cage match.
