Breaking news from the land of the free and the home of the brave, where a man who once suggested injecting bleach has been given a clean bill of health by his personal physician. Dr. Sean Conley, a man whose Hippocratic oath appears to have been taken with crossed fingers, declared Donald Trump to be in 'excellent health' and displaying 'exceptional cognitive function.' This, from the same doctor who previously described a hospital visit for COVID-19 as a 'routine check-up' while the patient was being flown to Walter Reed in Marine One.
But let us pivot, as the Americans say, to the gold standard: the British Royal Family’s medical checks. Where a monarch’s pulse is taken by a team of gynaecologists (just in case), and any deviation from perfect health is met with a stiff upper lip and a gin and tonic. The royal doctors, you see, don't just check your cholesterol; they examine your soul. They ensure that the Queen's corgis are not stressed, that Prince Philip’s sense of humour hasn’t become too modern, and that the crown jewels remain untarnished.
The contrast is delicious. Over here, a royal physician would never release a statement that sounds like it was drafted by a PR firm for a used car salesman. They would issue a muted bulletin, perhaps mentioning that the sovereign has a slight sniffle, and then retire to their club for a game of whist. Meanwhile, in America, the presidential health report is a theatrical production, complete with a standing ovation from the patient.
Dr. Conley’s statement included such gems as 'He is in perfect health' and 'He could climb Everest tomorrow if he wanted.' One can only assume the bar for Everest now includes a golf cart and a McDonald’s at base camp. But the real kicker: 'His cognitive tests were off the charts.' This from a man who has repeatedly claimed that wind turbines cause cancer and that we should look into injecting disinfectant. Perhaps the test was designed by a team of fantasy writers.
And yet, the British system is not without its absurdities. The royal medical team once diagnosed Prince Charles with a 'tendency to talk to plants,' which is technically not a medical condition. But at least they didn't claim he could run a marathon while wearing a suit of armour.
So here we are: Trump’s health is a matter of national security, while the King’s haemorrhoids are a state secret. Both systems are ridiculous, but the British version has better tailoring. In the end, it all comes down to the quality of gin. American doctors clearly have not been drinking enough. Or perhaps they have, and that’s the problem.
In the meantime, I shall raise a glass of the good stuff (London Dry, of course) to the sheer, glorious absurdity of it all. Cheers, and may your doctor never be the one who performs your psych eval while wearing a Trump tie.
