In an act of military might that has the subtlety of a bulldozer in a china shop, Israel has apparently added ‘turtle whisperer’ to the list of professions it finds threatening. Because nothing says ‘existential threat’ like a man with a soft spot for chelonians and a clipboard. The victim, a Lebanese conservationist who spent his life shuffling alongside the planet’s most patient animals, was reportedly wiped out by an Israeli air strike.
Britain, ever the global conscience when it’s convenient, has condemned the strike with the kind of stern tutting usually reserved for someone who’s put the milk in before the tea. But let’s not get our flippers in a twist: the killing of a conservationist is a tragedy. The killing of any civilian is a tragedy.
But you have to admire Israel’s commitment to making sure no stone is left unturned, no grain of sand un-bombed, and apparently no turtle nest undisturbed. The official response from Whitehall was a masterclass in impotent indignation. ‘We urge restraint,’ they said, as if urging restraint has ever stopped a tank.
‘We call for a full investigation,’ they added, which in diplomatic speak means ‘We’ll write a strongly worded letter and then go back to sipping our Earl Grey.’ Meanwhile, the turtles of Lebanon are now without their guardian angel, presumably wondering if the next thing falling from the sky is a bomb or a misguided sense of justice. The whole affair reeks of the surreal: a man who dedicated his life to preserving the natural world is blown to smithereens by a nation that claims to be the only democracy in the Middle East.
Democracy where the right to kill conservationists is enshrined, apparently. Britain’s condemnation is the verbal equivalent of a shrug. It’s the kind of response that makes you wonder if they have a form letter for these occasions.
‘Dear [Offending Nation], We are deeply concerned about the recent loss of [insert occupation here]. Please stop. Yours, The UK.
’ The blood of this turtle lover is on the hands of the Israeli military, but the ink on Britain’s tears is running dry. This isn’t just a tragic death. It’s a metaphor for the entire region: a place where the good guys get blown up, the turtles get shell-shocked, and the world watches with a mix of horror and indifference.
As for the turtles, they’ll keep laying their eggs on the beach, oblivious to the geopolitics that rains down on them. Maybe they have the right idea. Ignorance is bliss, especially when the alternative is being collateral damage in a conflict older than their species.