In what can only be described as a diplomatic sledgehammer wrapped in a red flag, Xi Jinping has toddled off to Pyongyang for a spot of nuclear brinksmanship with his favourite Hermit King, Kim Jong-un. The visit, which the Chinese state media are calling a ‘historic goodwill mission,’ is actually a masterclass in geopolitical theatre. While Xi pats Kim on the head and whispers sweet nothings about ‘denuclearisation,’ the rest of the world (read: Britain) is left to ponder the cosmic irony of a nuclear-armed dictatorship cosying up to the world’s second-largest economy. It’s the diplomatic equivalent of a burglar asking a locksmith for tips while the neighbours pretend not to notice.
Our dear leaders in Westminster, still nursing hangovers from Brexit negotiations, have responded with the expected blend of platitudes and panic. Boris Johnson’s successor (whoever that is this week) has muttered something about ‘monitoring the situation closely’ while simultaneously cutting the defence budget to fund a new trampoline park in Margate. Meanwhile, the Foreign Office has reportedly dispatched a strongly worded letter to Beijing, written on recycled paper with a crayon, demanding ‘mutual respect for international norms.’ This is the same Foreign Office that couldn’t find North Korea on a map if you paid them in gin coupons.
Let’s be clear: Xi’s visit is not about peace. It’s about leverage. China wants to remind everyone that they hold the keys to Pyongyang’s nuclear toy box, and they’re perfectly happy to rattle the locks if it means the US and Europe panic-sell their stockpiles of dignity. Britain, with its crumbling Trident submarines and a GDP that GDP per capita that’s barely keeping pace with the cost of a pint, is about as threatening as a wet weekend in Wigan. We have no cards to play, no chips to bet, and no discernible backbone. The Chinese know this. The North Koreans know this. Even the badgers in Hampstead Heath know this.
So what is a shattered kingdom to do? First, admit that our nuclear deterrent is a joke. Trident is the world’s most expensive fishing rod, capable of launching missiles that we’d be too afraid to use anyway. Second, stop pretending that economic sanctions will make Kim blink. The man uses his food shortages as a fashion statement. Third, and most importantly, grow a spine. Britain needs to start acting like a country with a veto in the UN Security Council, not a panicked estate agent trying to flog a leaky flat in a flood zone.
We should form a real coalition with our European neighbours (yes, even the French) to counter China’s influence in the region. We should invest in actual diplomacy, not just photo ops with teacups. And for God’s sake, we should stop subsidising the Chinese military-industrial complex by buying their cheap electronics while they sell missiles to our enemies. It’s time for Britain to wake up, smell the gunpowder, and realise that the Cold War never ended—it just got a new coat of red paint.
In the meantime, I’ll be at the pub, nursing a gin and tonic and waiting for the next foreign policy disaster to wash up on our soggy shores. Cheers, Xi. Thanks for nothing.
