In a development that has left this correspondent reaching for a second bottle of duty-free Gordon’s, the Mexican city of Guadalajara has announced its World Cup security strategy will be modelled on British counter-terror tactics. Yes, you read that correctly: the land of sombreros and sunshine is importing the grey, drizzle-soaked paranoia of the United Kingdom. The centrepiece?
A pack of robotic dogs, likely programmed to sniff out errant tacos and tut disapprovingly. And Black Hawk helicopters, because nothing says ‘welcome to football’ like the sound of rotor blades drowning out the vuvuzelas. The logic, presumably, is that if it works for the Queen’s guards (who stand stoically in giant furry hats) it will work for a city expecting millions of inebriated fans.
One imagines the robodogs will be issued with tiny union jack waistcoats and a sneer for anyone who dares approach without a ticket. But let’s examine this madness: the British model of counter-terrorism is essentially a blend of stoic resignation and aggressive surveillance. It involves lots of polite signs reminding you to ‘report suspicious behaviour’ while a man in a hi-vis jacket watches you eat a sandwich.
Now apply that to a Mexican fiesta. The robodogs will be programmed to detect ‘hooliganism’ which in British terms means someone drinking a pint without a coaster. In Guadalajara, they’ll be chasing down anyone who dares to dance too flamboyantly.
Meanwhile, the Black Hawks will hover ominously, their pilots no doubt listening to Elton John’s ‘I’m Still Standing’ on loop. The truth is, this is a desperate attempt to impose order on chaos. But chaos is the soul of football.
The Beautiful Game is meant to be messy, full of spilled beer and dodgy refereeing. Turning it into a sterile, drone-monitored spectacle is like putting a stuffed shirt on a bull. So here’s to the robodogs: may they trip over their own metallic paws.
And to the Black Hawks: may they run out of fuel long before the final whistle. Because the only thing worse than a bad tackle is a security state that takes itself too seriously. Now pass the gin, I’ve got a World Cup to survive.
