The wheels on the bus go round and round, and in Ukraine they now go through minefields, artillery barrages and the occasional hypersonic missile. In a move that redefines the term 'public transport', the Ukrainian government has announced that the country's deadliest bus routes will be retrofitted with enough steel to confuse a battleship. The initiative, named 'Project Concrete Cockroach', retrofits standard commuter buses with Kevlar seat covers and side panels ripped from decommissioned armoured personnel carriers.
'We're not putting civilians in harm's way, we're making the harm's way less comfortable for the civilians,' a transport ministry spokesman told this reporter, while chain-smoking through a gas mask. The buses will operate on a strict 'right of way' policy, meaning they will barrel through Russian checkpoints with the same polite indifference as a London double-decker through a zebra crossing. Critics have called the scheme a death sentence wrapped in a timetable, but the government insists the buses are 'perfectly safe' provided passengers don't mind the occasional shrapnel shower disturbing their crossword puzzles.
I for one look forward to the first anecdote of a grandmother berating a Russian soldier for standing on the bus's yellow line while she's trying to get to the borscht sale at the supermarket. The commute may be hell, but at least the ride will be memorable.
