In a spectacle that would make a panicked penguin look composed, a horde of enthusiasts for the television phenomenon 'Pursuit of Jade' yesterday turned a perfectly innocent set of glass doors into a glittering mosaic of idiocy. The incident, which occurred outside a shopping centre in Birmingham, saw fans, driven by a combination of celebrity worship and possibly a collective failure of their primal survival instincts, surge towards the star in question with the grace of a stampeding herd of wildebeest.
Let us be clear. These were not fans. These were the human equivalent of moths attracted to a flame that was also a celebrity endorsement deal. They pressed their faces against the glass, their breath fogging up the barrier between them and their object of desire, before ultimately succumbing to the call of the void and shattering the door into a thousand pieces. One witness, a man who identified himself as 'a concerned citizen and professional cynic', remarked: 'It was like watching a nature documentary where the prey suddenly decides to become the predator, but the predator is just a moderately famous person with good bone structure.'
The star, whose name escapes me due to a combination of gin intake and a principled stance on not caring, was reportedly unharmed. But let us not dwell on such trivialities when there is a glorious metaphor to be had. This is the state of modern fandom. We have reached a point where the only way to express admiration is through property damage and potential bodily harm. It is a cry for help, a plea for meaning in a world that offers more reality TV shows than genuine human connection.
Crowd control concerns were, of course, raised. The authorities, in their infinite wisdom, had provided barriers and security. But these were no match for the sheer force of misguided passion. It is a miracle that nobody was seriously injured, unless you count the shattered dignity of everyone involved. The shopping centre, for its part, has announced that the doors will be replaced with reinforced steel, or perhaps just a sign saying 'Go Home'.
In the grand tradition of British journalism, I must ask: What does this say about us as a society? It says that we are a people who will break glass for a selfie. We are a nation that has replaced empathy with autographs. We are a land where the pursuit of jade, or whatever this show is about, has become a metaphor for the pursuit of meaning through celebrity culture.
And yet, I cannot bring myself to be too angry. After all, the world is a confusing place. Maybe, just maybe, smashing through a glass door to get a glimpse of a minor celebrity is a perfectly rational response to the existential dread of modern existence. Or maybe we are all just a bit thick. Either way, let us raise a glass of gin (preferably not the kind you smash) to the Pursuit of Jade: a show that has achieved what no politician or philosopher has managed in decades: uniting people in a shared act of beautiful, pointless destruction.
Reporting from the edge of reason, this is Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite, signing off.
