In what can only be described as a masterclass in catastrophic timing, the United States has deported a planeload of migrants to Venezuela a mere two hours before a magnitude 7.5 earthquake rattled the country's northern coast. The deportation, part of the ongoing 'Everyone Out Even If It Looks Shaky' initiative, saw 124 Venezuelans returned to a nation that was, unbeknownst to them, about to engage in a spot of tectonic rearranging.
British diplomats, who have perfected the art of expressing concern while sipping Earl Grey, have called for 'safer deportation protocols,' suggesting that perhaps, just perhaps, dropping people into a geological warzone might be frowned upon at the Geneva Convention. 'We advise checking the USGS website before deporting people to areas that are literally shaking with rage,' said a Foreign Office spokesperson, their monocle fogging with indignation.
The earthquake, which struck near the city of Cumaná, sent citizens scurrying into the streets. Among them were the freshly deported, who must have wondered if the rumble was the US government's stamp of approval. One deportee, Luis Campos, was quoted as saying, 'I survived the American detention system, but will I survive this bloody shaking? This is worse than a Texas summer.'
The timing is so spectacularly awful that one must suspect the deportations were planned using a ouija board. US officials, however, remain unapologetic. 'We deported them to Venezuela. Where else do you deport Venezuelans? Topeka?' said a Department of Homeland Security spokesperson, ignoring the fact that Topeka has significantly fewer earthquakes and better access to healthcare.
The British, ever the diplomats, have proposed a 'Calamity Quotient' system. Before any deportation, officials will calculate the current natural disaster risk, political stability, and availability of decent gin in the destination country. If the score is too high, the deportation is delayed until, as one diplomat put it, 'the universe stops being so bloody dramatic.'
Meanwhile, the earthquake serves as a stark reminder that the universe has a sense of ironic timing. As the migrants were herded onto planes, did no one think to check the seismographs? Does the US government not have a calendar labelled 'Days Until Next Disaster'? Perhaps they were too busy adjusting the angles of their orange-tinted cameras.
In conclusion, this is yet another chapter in the absurdist theatre of modern migration. We deport people to danger, then express surprise when danger arrives. The British hope for a future where deportations involve a full risk assessment, a cup of tea, and maybe a gentle nudge towards safer locations. But until then, we shall watch from across the pond, shaking our heads (but not too much, lest we cause our own earthquake).
