In a spectacle that could only be choreographed by the twin gods of absurdity and national disgrace, a former Olympian has been charged with vandalising the Washington Reflecting Pool. Yes, the very same puddle of pretension that sits between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument, a body of water that has seen more tears than a divorce court in a gin drought, has been attacked by a man who once wore his nation's colours with pride.
The accused, one Reginald 'Reggie' Fitzsimmons, a 47-year-old former discus thrower whose greatest achievement until now was a bronze medal in Seoul 1988, apparently decided that the best way to relive his glory days was to hurl a bicycle into the pool. Not just any bicycle, mind you, but a lime-green, three-speed Raleigh that he reportedly nicked from a volunteer at the Smithsonian. The bike now lies at the bottom of the pool, rusting in a stew of tourist coins, selfie sticks, and broken dreams.
According to police reports, Fitzsimmons was found wearing nothing but a pair of Union Jack speedos and a look of profound disappointment. He was allegedly shouting something about 'draining the swamp' which, given the state of American politics, is either a deeply ironic statement or a cry for help. Probably both.
The National Park Service, which is responsible for the pool's upkeep, has released a statement calling the incident 'a senseless act of hooliganism' and estimating the clean-up costs at a cool $50,000. That's enough to buy 10,000 rounds of the finest English gin, or half a season of Netflix for everyone in the Pentagon. But no, we must spend it on fishnets and a vacuum cleaner to retrieve a Raleigh from a puddle.
Fitzsimmons, who has been charged with vandalism, trespassing, and public indecency, appeared in court this morning looking like a man who had just realised that his best years were behind him and that the future held nothing but council flat and a subscription to Golf Digest. His lawyer, a woman who looked like she had been born in a raincloud, argued that her client was suffering from 'acute nostalgia' and that the pool had triggered a 'dissociative episode' in which he believed he was at the 1988 Olympic Games and the bicycle was a discus. The judge, a man with a face like a constipated bulldog, ordered a psychiatric evaluation.
But let us take a moment to consider the deeper symbolism. Here we have a man, a former hero, reduced to throwing a bike into a pond. Is this not a metaphor for the decline of Western civilisation? Our athletes are all on steroids. Our politicians are all on the grift. And our reflecting pools are now graveyards for bicycles. We are living in a Terry Gilliam film directed by a drunk orangutan.
I asked a man on the street, a fellow who was selling counterfeit Rolexes out of a trench coat, what he thought of the incident. He said: 'Mate, I've seen weirder things on a Tuesday in Birmingham.' And he's right. This is just another Tuesday in the empire of the absurd.
As for the bicycle, it has been recovered and will be placed in a museum, presumably next to a jar of Tutankhamun's toenail clippings or some other national treasure that nobody asked for. Fitzsimmons, meanwhile, is sitting in a cell, probably contemplating the futility of it all. But then, aren't we all?
So raise a glass of cheap gin to Reggie Fitzsimmons, the man who turned a reflecting pool into a punchline. He may have thrown a bike, but at least he didn't throw his career. Oh wait, he did that years ago.